Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
Had a long talk with one of my friend regarding this single stuff. I guess I keep it to my self long enough. Maybe it is time to cut lose and let it all out...
So seorang sahabat aku tanya soalan yang bunyi dia lebih kurang macam ni "Ben ko ni single ke skrang? Sebab gaya ko dah tak macam ko ader makwe dah, ko sekarang macam dah berubah aku tengok".
Sebenarnyakan aku pun tak faham sepatah haram bila ko maksud gaya ader dan takder makwe tuh, cer explain skit blh? :P
Well.. I been keeping this to myself for quite a long time I guess, for nearly half a year exactly. Yes guys.. I am now single. Sorry for not telling anybody about this. I just need a little privacy for a little while (even though that "a little while" turn out to be nearly half a year)
Why so long do you ask? Well this is a bit embarrassing but to be frank even though I have another four.. is it really four? or was it five or a six? Nevermind.. Even though I already have a FEW relationship before her she is the first girl that I ever really fallen in love with (which kind of make all my previous relationship seems meaningless to me now). I meant falling in love for as in for real, not those amature high schoolish type of relationship fantasy.
If you want to know what kind of love it is.. it's the type that
1) making me make a fool of my self in front of her friends even though I never really meant it for it to came out that way. I guess I upset some of her friends in the process. Sorry about that, I never really meant to disturb your friendship or some sort. You guys are also my friends what -.-" The fact is when you are standing next to a girl that you consider a living angle on earth.. It is kind of hard to pull yourself together. It make you do some silly things sometimes. OK sue me! It is not sometimes, it is a heck of lot of times -.-"
2) making me become all stuck up serious for no apparent reasons. Bagi orang yang betul-betul kenal aku rasanya korang tau kan yang sebenarnya aku ni teramat-amatlah sengal -.-" Percaya la aku ni teramat-amat lah sengal. Tapi entah lah, apa kes tah bila kat depan dia dulu aku tiba-tiba jadi serious freak. Naik menyampah gak ngan diri aku sendiri kadang-kadang time tu. Maybe I just tried to act matured in front of her at that time. It drive me really uncomfortable actually (maybe it also drive her uncomfortable too) but then again people say that you do crazy things for love. I guess this is one of it. I just want she to look at me as a matured man. Not as a man that is helplessly in love with her.. biar pun tu yang sebenarnya -.-"
3) Making me become waaaaaaaaaaay to cheesy (banyak lak ayat start ngan making me nih, tapi lantak pi lah) er.. for some odd reason I try to hard to become a romantic person for her. Dalam sejarah relationships lain aku yang punya la panjang aku tak pernah-pernah aku jadi romantic nak mampos macam tu skali. Aku pun kadang-kadang rasa macam aku ni dah sakit jiwa ke apa bila dok buat pas satu-satu benda yang kononnya romantic tu. Aku rasa budak kelas aku ingat lagi kot pasal delivery bunga rose tuh -.-" Dari mana tah aku dapat idea nak hantar bunga time kelas tuh. Dia pun naik menyampah jap ngan aku time tuh. Nasib baik budak perempuan lain pakat dok puji kata benda tu romantic. So dia tak jadi marah mana sangat. Tapi seriouly aku cuak tok sah nak cakap la time tu -.-" kalau dia marah habis la plan aku nak buat dia happy ngan jadi romantic tuh. I guess that is the point really. I just want to make her happy. Because being romantic seems to be able to put a smile on her cute face. That is why I tried so hard at that time. Tapi memang aku sendiri akui macam dah terlebih cheesy dah aku time tu -.-" Time tu ramai gak member aku dok complain sebenar pasal pilihan aku sebenarnya. Dalam banyak awek-awek TESL time tuh kenapa la aku pergi pilih yang garang emo macam tuh. Bising la pulak korang ni yer, dah aku sayang kat dia time tu so ikut aku la. Garang-garang dia pun dia garang comel ape (erk.. ok off topic dah ni)
4) Making me become overwhelmingly jealous. Haish.. bab ni kadang-kadang aku regrets skit. Tak tau la apa yang tak kena ngan aku time tu. Skit-skit nak jealous, skit nak jealous, dia dah la ader jawatan segala benda. Nak kena jumpa ramai laki untuk settle kerja segala benda. Kadang-kadang aku rasa seriously aku macam dah konkong dia time tu. Sesal tu of course la.. You know what, aku nak je bagi alasan aku jealous sebab sayang. Tapi sekarang ni bila aku betul-betul dah matured segala benda aku pun rasa alasan tu dah lapuk dan basi. Ye lah, kalau kita sayang sebanyak mana pun tak kan la jealous sampai macam tu skali ye tak. Bab kata orang tua-tua gak, kalau sayang lepas-lepaskan lah... betul tak peribahasa aku nih? aku main tibai je haha.. maklumlah, dah lama aku tak sentuh benda macam sastera ngan puisi sajak ni (padahal dulu mat jiwang sangat dok karang segala benda alah tu).So kenapa aku jadi macam tu sekali? I tell you why.. it is because she is my first love. So obviously aku tak tau macam mana nak control perasaan jelous ni time tuh. Sekarang bila aku dah matang aku tau la macam mana, tapi kita cakap pasal dulu kan skrang ni, kadang-kadang aku tak tau la kenapa macam ada doubt je dalam diri aku time tu. Macam selalu boleh musykil kat dia. Padahal tak der apa-apa pun kan.
5) Making me want to be close to her.. every single days.. Haish.. bila aku ingat balik banyak gila date aku ngan dia time tuh. Aku rasa geng-geng couple tesl yang lain pun tak der la pulak date sampai banyak macam tu skali. Well maybe benda tu tak boleh elak, sebab kita orang sekelas segala benda. Sampai kadang-kadang aku rasa macam kalau tak tengok muka dia sehari macam tak sah je. Aku rasa dia pun fed up dok date dan jalan sekali je memanjang. Member-menber dia aku rasa tok sah cakap la kot. Again maybe because she is my first love. You know.. you can never have enough of the first person that your ever fall in love with. Because your heart have just learn what is love truly is and how sweet it is... making you yearn to be with her every single moment of the day.. Tapi parah la kan kalau nak dok berkepit je memanjang macam tu -.-" Haha.. I cannot help it I guess, but now I guess I have know better.
6) Making me texting her nearly every night. Sebenarnyakan aku pun tak suka dok texting je tiap-tiap malam ni. Tapi again.. I blame it on the first love. So tiap-tiap malam la aku dok text tu, sampai kadang dia atau aku yang terlena sampai waktu texting tu. Haha.. it is a pretty sweet memories really, tapi sebenarnya aku rasa dia pun fed up dok texting je memanjang. Maybe lebih baik kalau aku dok text dalam dua tiga hari sekali je. Yela dok cakap benda sama je pun, hari-hari dok cakap rindu je, but that is actually true.. I do miss her nearly everyday (Biarpun baru je jumpa kat kelas waktu siang tuh)You know when you shared your thought and feeling with each other through a medium such as text.. the happiness is beyond compare really ( yela kan, kalau nak cakap benda-benda macam tu kat depan-depan tak dernya) Tapikan bila aku ingat balik aku pernah je cuba gap kan skit waktu text tu. Tapi lepas tu dia pulak yang text aku tanya aku marah kat dia ke apa tak text kat dia -.-" so sorry la korang, aku pun tak faham apa yang perempuan nak sebenarnya kadang-kadang nih.
7) Making me lost control. So things got a little out of control. I wish I can turn back time. Sometimes aku rasa aku macam aku dah totally lost it at that time. It is could be nothing really but sue me.. I still feel like I wronged her in a lot of ways.. I do love her at that time, but subhanallah otak aku cukup messed up. Aku tak tau nak buat apa dah. Sometimes.. I feel like I want scream for her to save me, begging for her to guide me back, pleading to her to make me stop.. Because I do love her dearly and I don't want to make this happen to us. But I dunno if she get the message at that time. Maybe dia pun dah menyampah ngan aku kot. But the regrets keep haunting me. Allah..
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